Saturday, November 12, 2005
He: So now you know. I'm sorry... but you see, I also love her.
YOU: What?! How could you! What about me? What about us? That's unfair!
HE: I still love you too.
YOU: But that's not possible! You can't keep both of us. You have tochoose between her and me.
HE: No, please don't make me choose. I can't ! I love both of you. Ihave too much love for just one woman.
Hold it! Let's cut this melodrama before this man succeeds in convincingyou that he really loves both you and this other woman. Okay, so heclaims he has too much love for just one woman. But wait, does the word"love" mean the same thing to him as it means to you? For most women,telling a man "I love you" is like making a lifelong monogamouscommitment. But is it the same thing with your man? Is this the kind oflove that he is talking about?
According to American psychiatrist Frank Pittman, a man who claims hehas too much love for just one woman does not really love two women, orany woman at all."
HE is sexually attracted to many women and want them to take care ofhim.
HE defines his lust or needy feelings as 'love'. But he is notactively loving anyone," Pittman explains.According to Pittman, this man only uses the word "love" to hide hisreal motive--- which is sex. It is his way of making his desire soundrespectable somehow.
HE thinks women would buy it as a valid excuse forhis infidelity.So what's wrong with him then? It's nothing chemical, astrological, ordue to an errant shot from Cupid's bow. Above all, it is not a problemin the relationship that he is trying to solve. Nor does he have toomuch capacity for love.
Pittman explains: "He has an immature, narcissistic fear of loving awoman. The crowded bed is his effort to escape the engulfing comfort orthe engulfing intensity of a real, equal, and intimate relationship witha real partner.
HE feels shame and inadequacy and fears being both fullymarried and fully known."Some men indeed fear being trapped in a marriage--- sharing a life witha female partner who sees his flaws and giving up his dream of romanticadventures with more than one woman. These men are like children whofear facing the realities of life. They are not strong enough to give uptheir women because they want their dreams of romance to go on.
So let's make this clear: Is it possible for a man to love two women atthe same time and with the same intensity??? Definetly not. The attention he gives his other woman is the same attention he deprives you of. The time and energy he lavishes on the other woman are time and energy you could have gotten instead. It's a zero-sum game.
So if he decides to love two women, the "love" he'll be giving can only be incomplete.And here's another point: The fact that he tried to fool you is proof enough that he does notreally love you. For how could one hurt someone he truly loves??? Men and Women have to be clear when they use such a potentiallymisleading word as "love."
Remember that love is not simply an emotion but something one does, aset of observable and predictable actions. If a guy really means it when he says "I Love You" it will show in theway he acts toward you. But isn't a philanderer bothered by his actions?? you might ask. He seems to be enjoying his games. On the surface, maybe. But is hereally happy? I remember a scene from a movie where the mother told her womanizer something like this:
"The playboys and playgirls of this world are the loneliestcreatures I have ever known. In spite all the love and attention theyget, they feel this certain emptiness in their hearts, which can only befilled by truly loving one man or woman. And they don't know how to."
Indeed,no man can serve two masters; and no man can truly love two women
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dreamed.at .|. 9:53:00 PM