Monday, November 29, 2004
matthew, i want u back
I hear you're taking the town again
Having a good time
With all your good time friends
I don't think that you think of me
You're on your own now and I'm alone and free
I know that I should get on with my life
But a life lived without you could never be right
As long as the stars shine down from the heavens
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me
I try to smile so the hurt wont show
Tell everybody I was glad to see you go
But the tears just won't go away
Loneliness found me, looks like its here to stay
I know that I ought to find someone new
But all I find is myself always thinking of you
As long as the stars shine down from the heavens
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me
Oh, no matter what I do
Each nights a lifetime to live through
I cant go on like this, I need your touch
You're the only one I'll ever love
And as long as the stars shine down from the heavens
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me
I'll never get over you getting over
I'll never get over you getting over
I'll never get over you getting over m
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dreamed.at .|. 9:47:00 AM
Monday, November 22, 2004
this is for my friend JULIE...another one of my hidden treasures...
No, I won't be asking anybody if I should or I shouldn't let go. Everytime I made up my mind, I just eventually change it after a few weeks. Others will find my story sad. Others, amazing. And still for some, an impossible situation. Odd, crazy, desperate. . .losing.
I will no longer tell the story. All I am going to say at the moment is that we are okay again. For how long, I do not know. Since may, we have been having weekly fights. Every week, I have given up. Every week, I have promised myself that this is the last time. Turned out it's not. I finally revealed to him a plan that I had hoped will put an end to all this craziness and roller coaster ride. He heard me. Loud and Clear. But it was not to be the end. I told him, I don't want to see him nor talk to him. I told him, I want to isolate myself from him and everything that would remind me of him. I told him I do not know for how long but that I am sure, I had enough of pain and bad memories that I simply want to stop.
A lot of my friends praised me for what I did. With a sigh, they believed that I was finally awake after so many years. But you see, it lasted only for a week. A crisis hit. And I just couldn't forgive myself for having done such a thing just exactly when that crisis hit. But he heard me, loud and clear.
Whatever was stronger, the force that is keeping us together or keeping us apart, I will never know. Nor will I ever understand why we are always at each other's neck when in the end, it's always us that stick together when the cruelty of life had made us victims again.
I simply want to share for these are in my thoughts.
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dreamed.at .|. 8:59:00 PM
Never Again....
Never again would you hear me mention your name nor would you ever see me look your way. I am done with loving you and I guess it’s only now that I realized that I am just a person who, like the others, also gets tired. I have been following you for a long time, making believe in the impossible, putting you in this pedestal where I worship you as my god. I have done no crime to deserve this atrocity and starting today, I will no longer mention your name.
Never again would you hear me laugh at your jokes. It doesn’t matter if they are funny or not, because apparently, I had stopped laughing at everything because I became numb after you… you should be the one laughing at me because for you, I am just a big joke. You don’t deserve a smile, nor a snort, not even a laugh from me because it makes you feel good while I stay on the side, waiting for that one glorious smile that hopefully one day you’ll give me. And so I waited, and waited for that smile, yet you never gave it.
Never again would I think of you while the rain is pouring. At least I wouldn’t feel gloomy in the cold and think of your arms wrapped around me. This chill I feel when the rain is here is better that the chill my heart feels because you are not mine. Now I will be distant, putting a wall between us so that I could no longer pretend you’re there.
Never again would I look at the moon and imagine youre beside me holding my hand. Now, you will never see me long for you.
Never would I say I love you nor would you ever hear the words love and your name in the same sentence. I've gone tired thinking of you when I hear sweet music serenading the air. Now, i just couldn't imagine myself thinking of your touch whenever the wind kisses my cheek. Never again would I make you my inspiration, making you the very reason for the poems I make and the stories I write. Never again…
But how could I say all of these things when the only man behind all these words is you?
Tell me, how can I stand up on my own and proudly say “NEVER AGAIN” without you…
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teach me… You’re good at it aren’t you?.....Never again…
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dreamed.at .|. 6:37:00 PM
Sunday, November 21, 2004
i AM moving on..then i could finally let go.
I've had enough.
no, Don't try to reason with me, this is too much.
I will try not to think of you when i wake up in the morning and ask myself if somehow you are also awake. I have my own life to lead and my whole life to think of. No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my lunch wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later i know you will.
NO, Never again will i go to the comfort room and lock myself in just to have some privacy to piteously think of you, cry, sing or do some silly things because of you. And NO, never will i again think of you last when i go to sleep. Sleep is my only rest, so please, don't plague me in my dreams.
I AM MOVING ON.
I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left but that once that you stayed.
And if I feel the need to cry, it will not be for the future that we could have, not for the regrets that i have nor of the anger that i feel, but I will cry because of a love that i never was able to share with the only man i felt it for. I will not cry for the love that was lost, and not for who left.
I will give my affections to any man who is in need of it, but not my heart because i am still trying to get it back from you. I will give him the love you never wanted, the kiss that i so longed to give you and the words that once was yours. Worthy or not worthy, at least he's here..you're not.
I'll try to hold back the tears when i think of you. I'll just try to smile.
I am moving on...and hoping that the next thing would be letting go.
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dreamed.at .|. 10:39:00 PM