Tuesday, October 26, 2004
WHAT JULIE FELT.
I may look like a girl who always have a smile on
my face.. who may look like your typical teenage
drama queen with such great awes to the world.
The world where I belong is where we all belong,
some people share their laughters and tears here,
but I share to you my feelings.. my thoughts. I may
not know most of you reading this, but I want
someone listening to me specially when I'm down
and feeling lost...
I feel like he doesn't love me anymore.. and it's
hard because I'm still deeply inlove with him. I
wanted to dwell on the thought that I dont love him
anymore and I'm over.. But really I'm not. I'm
not..it's too obvious...but what can i do? I know
most of you will say that all i hafta do is move on
and just be happy..elow?! as if it's that easy. I want
his attention again, I want him back.. I feel like i
need him..You can call me selfish but this is what I
feel..I'm just being honest.
I asked him, "why are you not saying I love you to
me anymore?.." he answered, "coz baby it might
wear out i dont want it to wear out." Do you think
that's a good excuse or explanation.. coz honestly
i think it's not.. its not at all. We are tearing apart.
Long distance relationship is hard..specially
without the commitment. He decided to break the
commitment to me coz of the distance between us
and the years we have to be apart (2years)..but he
assured me his love.. But right now I don't feel it.
Some of my friends say its normal to not feel it coz
he's not around and its been almost 3 mos. But
some say intution says it all. I'm deeply troubled,
he aint even emailing me anymore... and right now
he's making me jealous on some girl he's hanging
with there.. he sent my a pic of her just to let me
know who he's hanging with there and who likes
him there.. what's with that?!
He said," trust me baby.."
But sweetie..don't you know that trust is earned..
you broke my trust before and you're still not
earning it fully.. I don't want to talk about the past
and dwell on what you did before. I forgave you.
Maybe we should seperate ways for us to know
ourselves better, I just don't know if I can do it..I
don't know if i can cut the communication with
you.. I'm so torn and broken..I don't want to blame
you about it..I love you so much. But right now..this
is the least thing i want to feel..because it's just
making me sad.. wanting to break down and cry.
My world shouldn't revolve around you.. this is bad.
I'm being way too dramatic and I hate it. this is not
me. I just hope I never did fell inlove with you
again.. but it happened...
I just want to be strong.. I don't want to hold on. If
I'm hurting why should I hold on to this and hurt
myself..but you know what..When we talk..it's as if
all my angst to you is gone.. You still managed to
make me smile and make my day. I love you and I
don't know whether to let go or what. I asked you if
you love me you said,"you know I do.." but it's all
chat..I can't see you making any effort anymore,
even an email you can't do nomore.
Ashanti's words from the song foolish:
"see when i get the strength to leave you always
tell me that you need me and i'm weak coz i
believe you and i'm mad becoz i love you.."
fits me right, foolish girl.
I know I'm a good pretender when it comes to
some of my friends. I can pretend that I'm happy
eventhough I'm not... But my eyes says it all. With
just one stare at my eyes..you'll know it's full of
tears ready to come out...ready to tell the world my
pain and sadness.. But well I'm still
smiling..wearing a mask and telling the world "hey
I'm okay."
Julie, its ok girl. loving someone really gets the best outta ya..just keep your head up and you'll be ayt..no point in wallowing in pain right. Unless you know deep down that u can make it work. It will. besides, you dont deserve a heartless playah.
hehehehehehe, masaya lang ako today.. :P
LOVE YAH MATT! MwaH!
.|.
dreamed.at .|. 2:26:00 PM